Emotions..

Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's a matter of me not feeling the emotions or me successfully ignoring them.

Do I hurt over David? Or do I feel nothing? I'm still not sure. I'm not sure what I'd cry for. Do I cry in sadness that I can't seem to bring myself to feel pain? Do I cry because I miss him? I can't seem to accept the latter. It's interesting that while I can bring myself to feel the "weaknesses" of love and infatuation of the hundreds of heroines I've read about in books, I adopt the mannerisms of the "heroes". I close off my emotions. I can really only think of one goal right now: to fuck someone. Anyone. A superficial closure. Distance, to ensure that my emotions are properly cut off from him.

Since him.....I started feeling things I'd never felt before, like wanting a family, wanting to raise children to be wonderful loving people. I don't know whether to be grateful to him for opening up this side of me, or bitter for the emptiness and yearning it introduced into my emotional grid-work.

All I can resolve for now is that we are over, and I am once again on the hunt, but for the sole purposes of sex and maybe companionship. I don't know if I can have that kind of closeness again.