New favorite song

Today that little corner of my heart that still beats red resonates with some unknown feeling. It was brought on when "Two is Better Than One" was playing on the radio. A good simple but beautiful song.

Today is November 4, 2009 and it's 5 PM. It is five days before I turn 21. This symbolizes mainly the freedom to go out and be considered more of an adult. Right now, I only want to spend my birthday alone. I think I might go out to eat and a drink, then go to the abs class that night. I hate celebrations, and I'm uncomfortable with egotism.

I know to everyone, I look and act happier. I've even convinced myself that I feel good and happier most of the time. And then I remember how hollow this happiness is, how flat. Almost mechanical. I'm actually rather surprised that I've become so adept at compartmentalizing my feeling so much that I fool everyone including myself. Then I remember how much I'm actually hurting on the inside and I surprise myself with tears.

I think I surprise myself every time I'm with Jon. There's no talk commitment or feelings, and usually after spending the night we don't talk/contact for days. Yet, I don't feel a need or attachment forming. While I'd regret if we couldn't continue our relationship (for lack of a more appropriate word), I wouldn't become sad, upset or hurt. I have no expectations of him really and I think that's what's protecting me.

I know I'm over Joe now. But I pretend all the time that I don't let the ending of our relationship effect the way I am or the way I feel. It definitely hurt, although it took the feelings a while to surface and for me to understand. He never really understood how hurt I actually felt. In truth, I stopped trusting him far before we broke up, and I made the mistake of not ending it when I stopped.

I'm kind of afraid of becoming anorexic, but another part of me doesn't really care about the possibility of the consequences. I've had two gummy butterflies today. But I have no desire to eat at all, nor feel hunger. I think I'll start working on pchem labs right now actually. There's been too much heavy thinking today.