Awesome Artist = Meghan Tonjes

New Song:
The Weight Of

Lyrics:
You fell for the first time
as I left for the last time
Oh baby, drink your wine
The things you fear
are lying here
beneath your covers
beneath your eyes

Don't say a word
and make it harder
Don't be absurd
it's all a game
Don't say it loud
now keep together
It's only the weight of your veins
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
of your veins
ooh, ooh ooh, ooh

You start to breathe
now you turn to leave
the darkness ripping at your throat
You saw me there
beneath those stairs
I only look a bit like someone you could know

Don't say a word
and make it harder
Don't be absurd
it's all a game
Don't say it loud
now keep together
It's only the weight of your veins
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
of your veins
ooh, ooh ooh, ooh

It's a great song and she has an amazing and unique voice.

I'm at a loss. It's November 7th, 2009. My menses came late Thursday night. I don't know what to do. I deactivated my facebook partially in anticipation of my birthday on Monday. Partially because I really want to permanently deactivate it. I find myself gravitating back each time I try though, but one day I'll deactivate it and manage to stay away. I didn't install aim (or by any other name) on my new laptop for the same reason.

I did a bad thing on Thursday. I went and logged into an ex's account and read messages between him and a good friend of mine. She re-added him onto facebook on the sly and didn't tell me. On the one hand, I don't think the fact would have bothered me for too long. What bothers me is the secret asides. This thing called trust doesn't exist.

The only thing that really affected me in what I read was this statement: Jen is anti-social. For some reason that really hurt me. It's really hard for me to trust people. And because of that I don't enjoy hanging out with people that I haven't built up a certain amount of trust without feeling fake and terrible. I tried so hard last semester to disprove this statement in particular. I hung out with all of the friends I had made in college, reconnected with a few older friends, I started conversing casually with just acquaintances and hanging out with a few of them as well. While I had a good time, this year I've fallen back on the basics of hanging out with a smaller circle. However, it's easier to branch out to new people I find. I wouldn't call myself anti-social, so much as careful.

I don't know what to do. I have no more close friends. None, I have old friends; I have new friends. I can share some things with each. But no best friend, no close friends. No one I can say that I feel sad deep down, that I'm just hiding from everyone to stop worrying. No one I can say HEY, I'm hurting so much, I hate myself SO much that I don't want to eat anymore. In reality, my progress from the way I felt last year has gone deeper into myself. I'm able to hide it much better from everyone, including my roommate. No one needs to know that sometimes I still cry at night in my room.