I like to go with the flow as much as possible, but it's a fight with my controlling self. While I want things to just happen as it comes, I also want to control the outcome to my liking.
This constant inner hypocrisy drives me to moods of discontent, which are often like the eerie silence of the eye of a storm. At times however, they are marked by periods of drunkenness or debauchery. One positive note, I must mention is that I have succeeded to stick to my own constitution without temptation. Whether I should be proud of the feat itself, or lucky that I have not had to resist temptation I do not know. On further pondering, I believe that I will be truly proud to call myself true once I've defeated temptation.
My storms, while not exactly excessive, occur far more often than ever before in my life. While I would like to claim the normal mundane excuse of academia, I know that I can not. I not only drink with the intention to get drunk,I fuck with no intentions of lasting emotion or commitment.
Another controversy within myself is the battle of embitterment and romanticism. A corner of my heart beats red with romance, struggling against the ever growing mass of cynicism. I know that he is a good person, and it seems as if for the most part, he is content with friendship. However, he treats me with small gestures of romance. He opens doors for me, be it the car door or the door to a restaurant. He takes me to a lake with a beautiful scenic view. He touches me gently, sometimes a caress across my lips or a kiss on my forehead. Then other times, he treats me in jest. I can handle the latter, but the former leaves me in a strange frozen panic. That little corner in my heart yearns for it but the rest of me wants to reject it. My whole self brushes it off as if it never happened. I'm at a loss. My only real option is to go with the flow and take this "friendship" where it will.
To end that note, this morning I found myself to be quite sore. Not just my insides mind you, but in my upper body as well. It seems that I will have to strengthen my upper body if I'm to continue with my marathon sessions. Or perhaps these marathon sessions will do the job of strengthening my body for me. Who knows?
I leave myself more confused and scared than when I started this post. What am I to do?
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