David

He came, he conquered, and he left, and I still don't hate him.

What seemed like paradise shattered and fell to my feet. I'm trying not to let it hurt me. I knew him for such a short amount of time, less than a month! But the connection...it was just there. Now that the "Disaster" (as I was refer to it as) has happened, I don't think there's any hope for something that was thriving so beautifully. I could have easily loved him and him I. I even came close to it in the short time I knew him, I was contemplating the plunge. I was spiraling into it as reckless and foolish as it was. I don't know what the future could have held if the "Disaster" hadn't struck.
She was pregnant and that complete undid him. Even if she doesn't get to keep the baby, I think it has tainted us. Wrong place. Wrong time. I know he cares, and I care too. But it might just be too much for him now to even begin to contemplate emotional attachment, and I don't think I can let myself risk something so uncertain. I'm afraid to hope. I was SO ready, but I knew in the back of my mind that disappointment was coming. I knew it when I saw he had called. I knew it from that short unassuming phone call. I knew it from what he didn't say in those text messages. I just knew. And still, those words felled me. I was stricken. Now I just feel lost. I wish I could be mad at him, but rationally I can't really. I can only be mad at myself. I let myself be reckless, rushing into something so fast. Still, I'm scared he's going to move on without me, despite what we had. He thinks I'm busy and can't be bothered with his problems, even though I would gladly drop anything not immediately due to come to him. Is that pathetic? Maybe, but I care. I actually care. My father says I'm afraid of saying no to people, but it's not a matter of not wanting to say no, but that I want to say YES. Just Yes.

As I think about all of this, I also think about how selfish I am being. I worry about MY feelings. My life isn't being upended. My heart might be hurting and a little empty, but my life is mostly the same as before, except I know what it's like to be with him, laugh with him, sleep with him. He made me feel beautiful, funny, kind but crazy. Again, I'm being selfish thinking about how good I felt. His life was improving but now? He's had a huge shock to his system, his life. He told me he couldn't think or feel, he was just numb. So what am I to feel lonely or hurt? My life is still relatively the same. But still, I hurt.

I want him to know that I care without expectations from him or pressure, but I also have pride and prudence, I don't want to be vulnerable and then rejected even if done in kindness and consideration. Damned pride. It will be the death of me. I don't know what's going to happen. I've drank and gone out these past two nights since finding out from him in three short sentences. I plan to go out again on Wednesday, Aimee has promised to DD if we use my car. I can let go. I can stop feeling or thinking for just a little bit hopefully.

They go to the doctors again tomorrow to check on the baby, he thinks she will miscarry but who are we to suspect? Hope? Is it wrong to think it's for the best that she loses the baby? Because it's upset so many lives, and made him unhappy? But I can't even bring myself to think of that awful thought. If he still has the baby and still wanted me, is it pathetic that I would try to be with him? Even though he told me that she would make my life a living hell if I was with him? Would I even be strong enough to handle the situation? I can't even contemplate my own children now. Maybe in five years, that's I usually say. Or not anytime soon.

The Shinedown song Call Me comes to mind. He sees the best in me but acknowledges some of the worst. I will always care for him, he's opened me up to feel again both love and confidence in and for myself. But maybe I should be on my way. His life and mind aren't in the same direction right now, despite our feelings, and me still wanting to be with him so badly.

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over,
I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst,
Tell me it's over,
I don't want you to hurt.
It's all that I can say,
so I'll be on my way.

He'll know tomorrow. But we'll see this week how my heart is feeling. I'm trying very hard not to dwell on it though.