Thoughts...

It's the 26th of November. I first met Jon in late August, and we had sex a week after meeting. After that, school began and I didn't contact him or hear from him again for about three weeks. To be honest, I expected maybe a text or two or a post on facebook, maybe even one more meeting, but I never expected anything to come out of it. It's been three months, and in the last two months we've seen each other about once a week. Almost every time we meet, we have sex. A few times, he's stayed the night. It's always been at my place and he hasn't met my friends. I haven't met his friends. We've delved a little bit into personal lives, but barely. I don't know what he does day to day, if he has a job, if he just trains his body and goes to class. Until last week he didn't know about my family's issues. Neither of our families know of us. We don't talk about feelings, or state any claims on the other. In fact, I told him that I went to bars often and talked to guys there. He told me about how he has a few girls interested in him right now but that he's choosing to hang out with me right now. I don't know whether or not to be flattered. I don't want him to commit to me. It's the last thing I want. I've told him several times that I want nothing to do with commitment. When he suggests things that are more public to do together, I don't shut them down, but I don't encourage them. I can't help my gut reaction. I guess this really proves Joe right; I am no social butterfly. I don't understand why I need to be ashamed of that fact though.

I wonder often, if we're just meant to come together periodically and fuck and eventually part ways. Part of me is sad, not for him, but for myself. The actions are hollow, but I can't do anymore than that. I'm quite terrified of him when he's tender with me. While his overall actions say that he is content with weekly fucks and hanging out. When he's with me, he's tender and touches me with possession. He tries to hold my hand and kisses my forehead. He never talks about having feelings for me, or wanting to talk or see me more often. He doesn't ask for anything of me. We've also never once mentioned how we became aware of each other to begin with.

He's graduating in a few weeks, and I not only don't have a clue what he's doing afterward, I don't know what any of his future plans are no matter how vague. I find it interesting that its the not knowing his life despite knowing his personality. I don't have a problem with fucking with an emotional attachment, but it's starting to get harder to fuck him. I think that I might have to end this soon even though it makes me feel like a coward. A part of me is weak though and still want the human interaction despite its lack of emotion or intimacy. We'll see how I fare these next few weeks.