Main Characters:
Jen: That would be moi! ^_^
Joe: ex-boyfriend, routinely called the bastard, rat bastard, ex-bastard, ex-rat bastard, supersenior, and he who shall not be named.
Jackie: My bff, I LOOOOVES her =)
Eddy: My brother from another mother, he supports me and listens to my rants and doesn't cower when I cry or curse.
Ryan: My gay boyfriend. Gives warm hugs.
Secondary Characters:
Aimee
Sarah
Boon
Eddy's Mom
Some events that occurred over break: I went to visit his house before and after christmas.
Tried expressing my wish to see more of him and less of his family in my/his next visit, turned into a very difficult argument.
New Years day: I come back after hanging out with Jackie. The relationship had been rocky and getting progressively more so as the days go by. Communication had been patchy.
I came home to get online to talk it out with him about the past week.
I get.....pretty much the worst break up ever.
Okay maybe not worst. I was watching Sex in the City last night, and it was the episode where Berger asks Carrie for a break, during which she realizes she wants their relationship to work out. When he comes back, he's holding pink carnations (significant to earlier on in the episode) and they make up. However, in the morning she wakes up to find him gone. He left just a post it note- I'm sorry. I can't.
So I think that is probably worse...but it's all subjective.
During the aim conversation (is it really a conversation when only one person is doing the talking?) he tells me he gives up. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. I've hurt him too much. I ask him if he can call me and he says he just can't. Or rather WON'T. I start getting angry then, however, he continues on in telling me everything he didn't like about me.
-I'm not nearly social enough for him, he likes hanging out with people and he feels suffocated by the fact that I don't like to socialize.
-I complain about my mother while being exactly like her. I'm going to grow up to be just like her, and should I ever have children I'll be just as bad to them as she was to me.
-He's going to graduate after the semester and doesn't think I'll work out in long distance relationships.
-He does all the work and I don't do enough in the relationship.
-I'm cold and unfeeling towards him at times and towards the concept of families.
He told me and I QUOTE, "at least we can end it on a positive note." Right. Roiiight.
Probably more but I really don't feel like remembering it at the moment.
*Side note: While this being his complaints about me, I don't especially agree. There. That's my input.
About 40 something minutes into this degradation of my character, I got so angry and hurt I called him twice to call him on the coward that he was being, and how much I would and will hate him for ending it in this manner. (Oh yes, I gave him FAIR warning of my hatred.)
The next day. I contacted him again. Because I wanted to know what I could have possibly done to change things (like his mind). That ended with him shutting me down and out. So I was pretty much done.
Next couple days gave way to numbness then grief. This is where I say again that I love Jackie dearly. She and her family supported me and let me cry whenever I wanted.
Coming back to school for RA training was DIFFICULT. I was still somewhat numb, but eager to be in a crowd, with friends. Saw him only once, when he dropped off my stuff and I gave him his. He refused to take some of his other stuff like ps2, gh, dvd player, and gave me House season 4 even though I protested because we weren't together.
Over the next 4 weeks I life went on, I made friends, talked more with friends prior to the relationship, and got extremely busy with classes and work.
After about 4 weeks though, I heard from one of my residents that "Supersenior" was talking to him. She was upset when he said bad things that ended up being at least half false.
Upon hearing this, I got EXTREMELY upset as to STOMP INTO hobbs lobby, and vent. I called over Eddy and he helped me put all his stuff away in the box. However, once I did that I didn't know how to bring it across campus since it was too big to carry comfortably. A couple days later I was explaining to my boss the situation when he offered to leave it in "supersenior's" mail box.
Well unfortunately, my boss only brought his stuff over piece by piece because He Who Shall Not Be Named sent a furious number of texts, ims, and phone calls about the situation.
Because I was still furious over his lack of oral control, I refused to answer any of the preceding attempts at contact.
OH This is where the bastard unfriended me on facebook =)
Oh how I cried that day.....Right....
4 weeks pass where I outright ignored him. Near the end of 8th week at school (the week before Spring Break) I start getting calls, and Im's along the lines of him wanting to "talk with me". Unfortunately for him, it was also around this time that a few people told me that he's been talking about me rather....freely in the chemistry lounge. The actualy words and semi conversations that got to me were so hurtful that I was in an angry/hurt mood for several days.
*Side note: I'm a very vengeful, unforgiving person. If you've screwed me over, well...youre probably not reading this then because you're not my friend xp.
Fast forward up to Wednesday. He asked me in the Chem Lounge if I would take a walk with him and I refused. I get several missed calls plus 1 voicemail from HWSNBN, all of which I ignored. Thursday Night at 11:43 PM. I received an email from HWSNBN.
In lieu of taking the time (what time?) of summarizing it. I'll paste it here with commentary.
Everything you see from me will be in { xxx }
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
Subject: Sorry
I know the pain is probabley there alot for you so if you dont want to
read this just delete it. But, I just wanted to say Im sorry for hurting
you so much. I know I could have probabley done a better job being
honest with you when we broke up but I was hurting alot. I think the
conversation I had with Aimee might help clarify what I am trying to say.
{The pain is there a lot? what? anyone who's telling you how I personally feel deserves to be shot for going to the bastard who did the hurting. YES I WENT THERE.}
M. Joseph
dont worry about saying anything to jen...i tried to twice to say
something and nothing happened
11:11pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
ok.
11:12pmM. Joseph
so its probably for the better...anyway because as hurt and angry as I
was i broke up with her isnt there anymore for me but the same isn't
probably for her....so it ends with that
11:14pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
as long as you tried to give her the closure she will need, there really
isnt anything more you can do
11:14pmM. Joseph
i didnt get that far...she wont talk to me
11:15pmM. Joseph
i tried to say something at lunch, but i wanted to talk to her privately
but she refused go for a walk with me to talk about it
and then i called her and left a message on her phone, saying i wanted
to talk
but no response
11:16pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
perhaps a message on facebook will have to suffice
11:16pmM. Joseph
thats kinda of hard when i took her off my friend list after the fiasco
with my stuff
{Did I mention how cowardly he's STILL being by not explaining it himself. No he posts a fucking FACEBOOK CONVERSATION he had with someone else. Someone who happens to be MY friend.}
11:17pmM. Joseph
but i dont know how well that will go if i do send her a message but i
guess thats the only way for now
or a e-mail probabley
11:19pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
probably, perhaps in time she will come around and talk to
11:20pmM. Joseph
perhaps....
11:23pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
does it really matter if she is talking to you though?
{I SECOND THIS SHIET. IT DOESN'T MATTER.}
11:24pmM. Joseph
I really don't know the answer to that but every time i see her ignore
me and literally give me the cold shoulder it hurts alot
I know why i broke up with her because over the holiday she was acting
really selfish and i was overworked exhausted and hurt alot
and then you add in the hitting incident prior and her the last couple
of weeks of just being pissed off at me and not communicating at all
and I just couldnt take it
i was unhappy and emotionally hurt
{I'd like to slice you up and THEN beat the shit out of you for being so stupid. Yep yep, still blaming it all on me. Who needs your apologies then? when you're only sorry that what you did hurt me?}
11:26pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
did you try and tell her this prior to the break up?
{That's right BEETCH. Did you?}
11:27pmM. Joseph
nope, because she was just getting pissed off at me because I wasnt
giving her quality time
and so i stopped calling her to see what would happen and it took her 3
days to call me back and then you add in the new years incident and i
snapped
{Pissed cuz i spent what money I didn't have to visit you twice for the day. and You wouldn't drive down once. That's right. Fuck you.}
11:28pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
then thats not fair, you might have told her things need to change but
you didn't talk about your feelings, so how was she supposed to know?
11:29pmM. Joseph
at that point i was too hurt and very unhappy
{Who cares? Not me}
11:29pmAimee <http://www.facebook.com/profile.php\?id=35909931>
on a side note, you did the right thing...school comes first and if they
complain, leave'em
{Thanks dear friend. I love you too.}
do you regret your decision?
11:30pmM. Joseph
i now realize i should have cut her some slack and voiced my concerns
more constructively
but it was like every issue up to that point in the relationship just
exploded at that moment
i generally let things slide too much, i dont get upset easily or voice
my concerns
i just get hurt when no one takes me into account
{I get pissed when someone only takes themselves into account even when they proclaim to be taking their Sig. Other into acct.}
11:33pmM. Joseph
and when i get stressed out i dont think correctly, I also kinda of let
other peoples opinion of the relationship also make me feel very unhappy
11:34pmM. Joseph
all i wanted to say to her was I am sorry and that it was part me fault
and just leave it at that
{Bad engrish...sigh...}
11:36pmM. Joseph
because the sad thing to say is i trust people are honest and always
look out for other people but thats not true
so i think i put way to high expectations on Jen and the only way for
her was to fail
but at the same time i know she is working on some of those short
comings I was just to hurt and impatient to see that
{The end...of part 1.}
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
After wards I was mad and sad. Sad when I thought about how fucking HARSH he was during the breakup, MAD that he would make me re-experience it. Also mad when I had so many things due the next day and the email springs on me at fucking MIDNIGHT. Yeah...thanks a LOT bastard.
SO, I have a little fit and get over it. Classes have to continue the next day.
Thursday passes by stressfully with tests and classes and lab. Friday comes with a KAJILLION ERRANDS to run before break starts.
I was in the Chem lounge for about 10 minutes and BAM he fucking walks in, corners me against the white board and asks if I'll come and talk with him WHILE I'm talking to Alex about a class. THE RUDENESS. So what do I do you ask? Well I made fucking sure he knew I wouldn't CATER to his ass. I finished my conversation with Alex BEFORE I turned around.
First off, I barely had any space to even turn around, he kept the door open and wouldn't move, so I grudgingly said yes and then added that I had to see a professor in the next half hour. Behind him I saw Aimee looking at me from outside the lounge. I couldn't help it, I believe I sent her a not so subtle glare.
During the walk, he tried to apologize time and again for hurting me. He tried to explain how he was feeling over the break. After about 15 minutes of this, I bursted out with a retort on whether he thought about how I was feeling. I reminded him that I had told him I wanted time to myself and still wanted time to myself away from him. 25 minutes, 5+ apologies, and 2 awkward one-sided hugs later I excused myself to see my professor.
Oh right, before he left he told me he'd be available to talk if I wanted. Right....what was the point in me telling him I wanted time to myself? Obviously nothing to him. Duh.
Rest of the night passes. I ROCK at table tennis. Beat Sam after 2 hours of hard core ping pong.
Fast forward ONE DAY. He texts if I want to have lunch, and proceeds to attempt a text conversation with me.
What happened to giving me space? Guess it was too much to ask...
Fast forward another day. I GET ANOTHER EMAIL.
Another copy and paste with commentary.
___________________________________________
___________________________________________
I know you still don’t know if you want to talk to me but I thought I would at least give you some information (which will probably hurt my case). But the reason I broke up with you at the time was I was extremely hurt with the fight right after Christmas. Because I tried my best to make it a really good day for you (also realize I was extremely tired and stressed out) and then you told me it wasn’t good enough. {right...I'm pretty sure those words have never left my mouth asshole} Then compounded with the New Year’s event I was destroyed emotionally and exhausted. I started having flashbacks to why my parent’s divorce failed and I was hurt. So the only thing I thought was possible was breaking up with you. I legitimized this reasoning based off of previous problems we had in the relationship and then compounded with the fact that you never called. This fact about calling hurt because during the winter break at where I always say guys on the phone because their wives/girlfriends calling and I could count on my hand how many times you actually called me. And then the fact that it took you three days after a fight to even call me made the matter worse. But, at this point I was emotionally shutting down and wasn’t hearing you side now.
Then when I talked with Eddy and I said I was going to break up he said “ok.” He never said maybe I think you should think about it from your perspective, in my mind he sounded like he was agreeing with me. But evidence now says he wasn’t. I also talked to people at school about the relationship, when I shouldn’t have, because I was trying to legitimize why I ended because “everyone thinks you’re really nice and why would I end it.” I was trying to cover up my irrational thinking and all the pain I was having by getting people to hear my case. Which I see now was extremely childish and selfish; the only people that didn’t really agree with it were Aimee and Eddy. Aimee actually a couple days talked to with me because she realized I have been destroyed emotionally from stress and “this mess up (referring to the way I broke up).” Now Eddy I am extremely hurt by and extremely confused. A couple weeks after breaking up I got into a fight with Eddy about the relationship. This time he actually told me the way he truly felt and said “It was maybe a mutual issue” but then the entire fiasco with my stuff being left in Josh’s apartment occurred. So I felt extremely hurt and angry at Eddy. At that moment I wanted you to call to say pick up your stuff and I was hoping at that point we could talk.
{Really, why are you bringing Eddy into this? and who the FUCK did you say what you were "feeling" with? anyone who walked in the chem lounge? thanks a whole lot ASSHOLE.}
Now here’s the other side, after breaking up I changed the facebook status because I was in so much pain, it hurt like shit. I immediantly tried to move on to cover the pain up and when school started up I hung out with Rachel and Zach more. I did hang out with Rachel a couple times out of spite to you and thinking maybe I can get in a quick bounce back relationship. But, sadly I found out truly how much I really don’t like Rachel and how shallow she is (I am sure you could of told me that); however, I needed to find out myself. I also did go to a couple parties with Zach, desperately hoping to find something (don’t know what) because I was not looking for fling. However, I did find out that I do not like drinking a lot and I don’t want to ever take advantage of a drunk girl. I kept trying to have conversations with people at these parties, which failed miserably, everyone wants to get drunk.
{No comment.....wait, I take that back. For this last paragraph alone, I think I'd never take you back.}
Things I have realized since breaking up with you are I should have been more patient with you and your family situation. I also should have told you my concerns more respectively and we could discuss the legitimacy of them and if they can be fixed or if I am being stupid.
{Hindsight is 20/20. Your foresight is 20/400. GET A FUCKING PRESCRIPTION.}
I also want to apologize for what I said right when we broke. I didn’t mean I was going to cheat on you like but I was emotionally destroyed at that point and was extremely fearful. I am also sorry for saying you acted like your mom because it hurts when people say stuff like that. I would flip out like crazy if someone said I acted like my dad.
{Again...the engrish...}
Another side note, right around New Year’s I also was dreading the one year anniversary and Valentine’s Day because of the way the relationship was. I also was extremely worried because I was extremely broke financially. I feel like I have to spend a lot of money on you to make you happy, but you kept saying that’s not true but I wouldn’t hear it.
I do care about you a lot still and that’s why I needed to try to fix things. Now, I have said my peace and if you never talk to me again it will hurt like shit but would be fair. I also wanted to tell you everything so if you hear about ANYTHING that I have done it will not be directly first from me.
Also It hurts to know you and Eddy are both blocking me on AIM.
___________________________________________
___________________________________________
Yeah...right okay....
No comments:
Post a Comment